NO HOLDS BARRED

NEW YORK, April 1 -- The newly-formed World International Catch Wrestling Association Federation (WICWAF) is proud to announce that the "Voice of Catch Wrestling", Eddie Goldman, has been named its first Commissioner.

WICWAF unveiled its catch-y acronym at its inaugural news conference Friday, April 1. This took place on the site of the old Gilmore's Garden, which was renamed Madison Square Garden in 1879 and was the first of four buildings with that name, in Madison Square Park in New York (or maybe it was at a nearby barroom with a bathroom).

"My goal as Commissioner of WICWAF is to unify all the catch wrestling groups in one organization, run real world championships, hold events alongside other styles of wrestling and grappling, promote diversity in the sport around the world, and have a real grassroots-run international association with good governance," said Eddie Goldman before the hundreds of assembled media and drinkers.

"Everyone is welcome to join, except those who are part of organized crime and already have their own wrestling bodies to ruin. Also, Donald Trump is not welcome. We have zero tolerance for bigotry and idiocy."

The packed news conference featured a live psychic hookup with several dead catch wrestling greats of the past, including Frank Gotch, Tom Connors, Billy Riley, Mitsuyo "Conde Koma" Maeda, Euclydes "Tatu" Hatem, George Gracie, Viro "Black Sam" Small, Phyllis "Tiger Lady" Lee, Billy Robinson, Karl Gotch, Lou Thesz, and Milo of Croton. Google Translate provided the translation. Video was provided via virtual reality headsets borrowed from the back of a truck found near the Lincoln Tunnel, which was named for the wrestler Abraham Lincoln.

"With the forthcoming re-legalization of MMA in New York this year, WICWAF vows that our wrestlers will challenge all MMA champions in two-out-of-three falls catch wrestling matches, where you can only win by pin or submission. We'll see how many accept this challenge, especially since we will have drug testing done by VADA," said Eddie Goldman to thunderous applause.

"And if you still believe that this is anything other than an April Fool's joke, well, come to the live wrestling tonight at midnight in the Roosevelt Avenue subway station, which was named for the wrestler Theodore Roosevelt."

Labels: April Fool's, catch wrestling, Eddie Goldman, WICWAF