NO HOLDS BARRED

by Eddie Goldman

BROOKLYN, April 1 -- At a packed news conference held outdoors on the famed Boardwalk at Coney Island, International Olympic Committee president Thomas Bach today announced that the 2016 Summer Olympics are being moved from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, to Brooklyn, New York, USA.

"We are well aware of the massive protests, unpopularity, and allegations of corruption about the present plans to hold the 2016 Olympics in Rio," he said. "The executive board of the IOC has thus voted unanimously to move it to the sporting capital of the world, Brooklyn. We never want to embarrass ourselves with the public."

He added, "The IOC deeply regrets the problems caused for the people of Rio and Brazil. We thus will fully compensate anyone in Brazil who was inconvenienced by us, including the people of the favelas."

He continued, "We also always strive to make the Olympics affordable for the average person. Thus, we have decided that admission to all events in the 2016 Brooklyn Olympics will be US$2.50, the current price of a subway ride in New York, as well as providing free Metrocards to all ticket-holders so they can use public transit."

Since there is an unusually short period of time to prepare for the Olympics in Brooklyn, he announced that the events will be mainly held at existing facilities, including the Coney Island Aquarium and Boardwalk, Gleason's Gym, Floyd Bennett Field, MCU Park, the Barclays Center, Brooklyn College, the Millennium and Oceana Theatres, and on Eastern Parkway.

The IOC will also finance the entire cost for the rebuilding of the former home of the Brooklyn Dodgers, Ebbets Field, which will serve as the Olympic stadium.

In a separate statement, Major League Baseball's Los Angeles Dodgers, which abandoned Brooklyn after the 1957 season, announced that the team will permanently return home in 2016.

To make the Brooklyn Olympics more enticing to the people of Brooklyn and the surrounding area, the following traditional events have been added to the Olympic program: stickball, hot dog eating, subway car racing, and roller coaster riding.

Because the people of Brooklyn share with the people of Brazil a great tradition of mat sports, the IOC will also add Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, no-gi grappling, and catch wrestling to the 2016 Brooklyn Olympics. "We do try to do the right thing," said Bach.

Added to the membership of the IOC are the following, all of whom were born in Brooklyn: boxing legend Mike Tyson; baseball legend Sandy Koufax: pro wrestling legend Steve Lombardi AKA the Brooklyn Brawler; wrestling legend Coach George Hero of Midwood High School; and combat sports media legend Eddie Goldman.

The reaction from longtime Brooklynites to these announcements was overwhelmingly positive.

When asked if he approved of them, the Brooklyn-born actor and dancer Jerome Lester Horwitz replied, "Soitenly!"

"Well, I hope you liked the 2014 edition of my April Fool's Day prank," said Eddie Goldman. "But if you don't like it, then tough noogies."

Labels: 2016 Olympics, April Fool's, BJJ, Brazil, Brooklyn, catch wrestling, Eddie Goldman, grappling, No Holds Barred, Rio de Janeiro