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Eddie Goldman is the host and producer of the No Holds Barred international podcast, the publisher of the No Holds Barred blog, and a senior contributing editor at the ADCC News.

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Saturday, March 31, 2007

UFC Buys Paris Hilton by Eddie Goldman 

PARIS, FRANCE, April 1 -- Speaking before a packed press conference at the Hilton Paris hotel, a stone's throw from the Champs-Élysées and the Eiffel Tower, with over 2000 fans, fighters, media members, and showgirls in attendance, UFC owner Lorenzo Fertitta announced his latest purchase today.

"We weren't sure of the difference between the Hilton Paris hotel and the supermodel Paris Hilton, so we have bought them both," Fertitta said, smiling broadly.

Added UFC president Dana White, "She's my kind of chick -- rich and dumb. She definitely is a @#$% and appeals to the male 18-34 *&^%$#'s who are our target audience and who watch our shows on Spike TV right after pro wrestling and before being sent to bed by their mommies."

Then Paris Hilton, heir to the Hilton empire which had previously owned the Hilton Paris hotel, was introduced to the crowd. She came out wearing a hot pink Tito Ortiz beanie with a matching tank top and hot pants. Plus, to everyone's surprise, she was flanked by Ortiz himself as well as French actress Katsumi.

Ms. Hilton, while pointing her left index finger in the direction of both Fertitta and White, said, "Listen carefully, boys. I am Tito's new manager. Nobody, especially any owner of some third-rate Las Vegas casino, owns me. And when Tito gets you in the ring, White, I guarantee that he'll tackle you and knock you up -- er, I mean out."

White responded, "&^%$!!! You @#$%!!!"

Ortiz, wearing a Tyson-Holyfield 2 T-shirt, next opened his jaw widely and then started to approach White. At this point, several fat bodyguards wearing lapel pins imprinted with the letter Z separated them.

While still restrained by the bodyguards, Ortiz shouted, "Let me tell you something, brother! You can't get out of our fight that easily! We'll fight in Japan where there is no athletic commission running MMA and which you now also own! Woooooo!!! "

White again replied, "&^%$!!! You @#$%!!!"

At this point Fertitta took the microphone and called for order.

"First of all," he began, "you should have realized by now that this is all an April Fools' joke by Eddie Goldman. You know we don't want media guys like him at our press conferences or even speak with him or send him press releases. We like the ones who report that we wrote the unified rules for mixed martial arts in 2001 when we bought UFC, and are too lazy or compromised to do any research. "

Added Eddie, "Yeah, and I've never even been to France, although I did send a MySpace friend's request to Katsumi."

Happy April Fools' Day, y'all!

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