NO HOLDS BARRED

It is now official, y’all: I, yours truly, am the King of the Trailer Park of Doc Holliday’s Bar!

The lovely and very perfect Alyssa, pictured to the right, announced it on her MySpace blog Monday afternoon, at a packed press conference in an alley on East 9th St., or something like that.

Anyway, here is her post:

Monday, April 17, 2006

KING OF THE TRAILER PARK!

Current mood: bouncy

the ballots are in... the votes have been casted.........Doc Hollidays King of the Trailer Park is (drum roll please........) Eddie Goldman!!!!

If I knew how to put pictures in my blog, I would post a giant picture of him....

With his General Lee t shirt, and his overalls, and his mullet,all those redneck jokes and his body hair, it just is unfair for me to call it a competetion. Hands down, Eddie is officially King of the Trailer Park.

To Eddie: come next week to claim your prize. hee hee hee. and if you would like to stick a redneck joke or 2 in the comment section of the blog feel free..... Sorry it took me so long to get this out. xoxo~ alyssa

NEXT WEEK: well be looking for his Queen... Ladies, dress the part!!!

This is very humbling. I’ve been training in bars for four decades for this moment. I want to thank everyone who made this moment possible, especially those professionals who work behind the bar who kept the beer cold, the conversation hot, and the vibes cool. And in particular the ones who showed me their …. never mind.

Just a few minor corrections to Alyssa’s proclamation are in order: I wasn’t wearing overalls, but my fancy jeans, the Wrangler’s, and not the K-Mart Route 66 brand (they were dirty). My hair is long, but not really a mullet, more Big Kenny or Shooter Jennings long (where it still grows anyway). Several of my friends have advised me not to cut it, so it’s easier to listen to them than waste time with someone pointing a scissors at my neck. And the body hair, thank you, is all natural and came with the package. No waxed metrosexuals need apply to the Trailer Park.

As Alyssa said, this coming Thursday will see the crowning of a Queen, assuming she doesn’t get tossed out of the bar before her coronation. I plan to be covering the fights at the Manhattan Center that evening, so will try to get over when they are done. In the meantime, since Alyssa requested it, below is my brief redneck monologue, already approved by a friend who says she knows plenty of people just like this:

I was gonna go out tonight after I got my sister out of jail. She was busted for stealing DVD’s at the mall. And of Larry the Cable Guy movies!

I said, “Sis, why did you steal THOSE? We taped them already from the TV!” She answered, “I know, but I hocked the VCR for some beer money.”

So she was kinda embarrassed about it all and tried to make it up by jerking me off. Well, just a little. Until our cousin came over. She hadn’t seen him in a while, and they wanted to be alone, so I left.

Sis and I are going to visit our ma and pa in the cemetery tomorrow. That’s where they work. They sell flowers. These crying rich folks come in and all the time forget to bring flowers. So ma and pa sell some to them, wait till they leave, and take ‘em back off the grave and re-sell them again. Hell, these folks ain’t coming back before a couple of years anyway, and how are the dead ones gonna know at all?

Me and sis once got it on in a grave. But we got caught. By our cousins, who were doing the same thing. And they ain’t even married!